Am i selfish?
i can't answer this for myself anymore and its frustrating as hell.
I ask cause i had a very contempelative walk home tonight.I appreciate what i have and i know im in absolute no position to complain but fuck it i want perfection and i know i will never have it.I was walking by cows lane off Dame street and,as always,i look in the kitchen fitting store imagining what the display would look like in my house.It has an island with a huge extractor over it.This may sound strange but for as long as i can recall i wanted a house of my own.Its an all consuming obsession.
As i said i was having a very contemplative walk home.My ipod is fucked with a broken screen and it was playing songs on random but in groups of albums.Its wierd and is not a setting that was not on it when it was working.I really wanted to listen to Haymaker or Outburst(or some other band that will make you think im cool and dig hardcore) but then
this came on.Its the opening theme from my favourite anime.It always sends me off on wierd trains of thought.
I took a detour up along one of my favourite roads to have a look at the houses.Its not that they are particularly fancy but some of them look like Austrian homes that you'd see in mountain towns.Amazing three storied houses that have open planned spaces and awesome chrstmas trees.This again got me thinkingof the hose i will probably never own.Lots of bother stuff flooded back like stupid mistakes i made that either one way or another would lead to me not walking back to a cold Dublin house.Whether it be actually making something of my life and going to college and having some fucking drive.I want to do architecture in college so bad but i wonderif ill be able to commit to something lke thay.Im a flakey motherfucker with a lazy,selfish outlok on life.I want to have designed my house.To have open floor plan and art i like on the walls.To have the phrenology bust on my window sill like the houses i see when walking home.Will i ever get to Japan?These are all dreams i've shit on in the name of taking the easy way out.If this was'nt Eddies laptop id be smashing the keyboard out of frustration.
FUCK EVERYTHING!I was supposed to be seeing Slapshot and Energy in Germany tonight.I fail.
Records i got recently:
7"
7 Seconds/Kill Your Idols-split clear red
Fucked Up/Haymaker-split grey marble
Iron Lung/Agents Of Abhorrence-Silent decay ep Pink marble
Ruiner/Day Of The Dead-split grey
Tunguska/Karakermoord-split
12"
Ceremony-Still Nothing Moves You olive green
Never Healed-Only Europa Knows /250
